full of WAHHHH

It's dark outside..

It's fucking Springtime.. where the hell is my sunshine?

granted this is an unusually cold spring for Seattle.. we usually have sun before now.. This must be Seasonal Affective Disorder or something..I just DREAD looking out the window, because I know it's going to be gray and gloomy.. They tell me it's supposed to be Sunny and in the mid 60's by this afternoon... I wish that the sky would get a move on..

Even on a sunny day our apartment doesn't get sunny..I think from now on, I'm not going to live in a place that doesn't have many many windows and a southern exposure.. seriously.. I'm popping a vit d and a B12 every day and they might as well be sugar pills. bah

can't find a job, but unwilling to change anything about myself to do so.

I hate feeling depressed. People say " oh you should get outside anyway and get some exercise".. duh.. I'm a health Ed grad people.. I know what I SHOULD be doing.. but recently, I sure have had to admit to myself that my very long, and very bad post partum depressions, were not just singular episodes.. admitting mental illness is humiliating. I've been you. I've given the same advice. Being on the other side is much different though. It seems that even the tiniest factors of my life need to be 'just so' for me to feel happy. Why shouldn't I be happy right now right? I have a cute, albeit dark, place, I have a husband that adores me and is kind to me. My son moved back in so I get to see him regularly. I get to be part of people's lives on FB if not in person..

What would make me happy? I haven't HAD to work, and I've been able to pick and choose jobs that I actually WANT to apply for.. If only someone would even CALL me on one would be nice.

I have all kinds of things I want.. a dog.. a cello.. unlimited ebooks, ..sunshine.. but at this point I wonder if having ANY of those things would make me happy. I seriously wonder.

I usually snap right back out of these little depressions.. I usually am worse with my cycle and could blame it on that. Lately my depression cycle has shortened to the point that it never really goes away. scary

I try to keep my sense of humor.. it's always been a part of my personality that I've liked, but even that is waning lately.

I love my few friends for going out of their way to come and see me.. it makes me feel loved for sure.. but oddly doesn't make me love MYSELF more.

yes I should give of myself and volunteer.. I want to.. but I don't want to.. I know it would help, but I seriously lack any motivation to do so. Seems I lack any motivation to do anything except complain.. and I fucking hate that.

I miss feeling helpful.. my kids are grown and I don't massage anymore.. both of which helped people, but again, I lack any motivation to something like volunteer..

I'm a college educated female.. I know a lot of shit about a lot of shit.. but I can't get a job making smoothies. I was able to look at a skeleton with no outwardly visible signs of trauma and tell you how he died.. Oh and that he was a he .. lol.. but I can't get a job selling dog collars, let alone break the nepotistic barrier that is the hr dept at the Health dept.

It is incredibly frustrating to watch any kind of dream or fantasy just disappear..because I don't have the funds, and I have no way of acquiring the funds..

It gets hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel is blocked by train after train after train.

I'm exhausted of the pain and the boredom. I feel very stuck. This horse is struggling at the bit to get free... but free to what? to where? adventure? or simply change of scenery? I need something.. but what? drugs? maybe.. but that would require health insurance.. another thing I don't have. I don't have.. I don't have.. yet I have so much.. why can't I look at what I DO have? and what if I WAS to HAVE whatever it is that I think I NEED? would I just NEED something else? I do know that I don't like being older... I don't like what my body does without regular chiropractic care for sure..but again, no $$ or insurance to fix that. I don't like how I feel. In fact I hate it.

5 hours of sleep and waking with pain doesn't help either.. I lay down yesterday afternoon, but couldn't sleep long because my shoulder was screaming.. I lay down later, in the early evening and finally found a comfortable spot and slept.. only to be wakened by the husbear because a show that I wanted to watch was on. .. but I had yet to cook dinner. hmmmm I was angry.. yeah I wanted to watch the show.. I did.. but man oh man did I not want to cook! but I did.. and missed 1/3 of the show anyway.

Mundane household shit drives me batty.. people that know me know that I would rather eat out than cook.. I would live in a hotel if I could. No seriously.. Eat out every meal and not do dishes or make beds!? sounds like heaven to me! I hate it .. I seriously hate it. but I also hate having piles of dishes in my sink.. I hate that I finally have a dishwasher and it SUCKS. I hate a dirty house and yet I hate to clean it. define irony.

Can't stand being asleep, yet can't stand being awake.. limbo sucks.. sure hope the husbear has that gun hidden well.. no don't panic people.. I am only kidding.. sort of.