The Royal Hoopla.. an American Girl's Perspective

Ahhh the Royal Wedding Day.. Twitter and Facebook has been flooded with opinions... and you know what they say about opinions.. they are like assholes.. and even assholes have one! I, of course am an asshole.. and OF COURSE I HAVE ONE!! and here on MY blog.. I always get to be right..lol.

So.. There are of course the Anti- Wedding, The Anti-English, the Anti-Hoopla people.. who complain a lot.. after saying that none of this is worth our attention!.. sure seems like a huge waste of their all important energy, for something that isn't important! Right? lol

I will say this.. Yes.. The English have been our enemies.. yes they have been our oppressors in history.. they have in one way or another dominated, or domineered many different countries, and their people. Yep.. their monarchy is very simply a figurehead, providing nothing but a grotesque misuse of England's $$.

So Why is it that we care? People say that we shouldn't.. after all it's not OUR country right? they aren't OUR Royalty right? so Why DO we care? Why DO we have Royal Wedding Parties? We go out of our way and get up at 4 a.m. to watch all the pomp and circumstance. why?

Well I can tell you Why a lot of us DO care.

First .. the female perspective..

As an American Girl.. we don't often have the opportunity to become a Princess.. and Damn it.. Walt Disney Promised us that one day our Prince would come.. if we were good girls, virtuous and kind and did everything right.. our Prince would come. So we were good girls.. and we kissed a hell of a lot of FROGS.. on the long road to Royalty.. an a very rare few of us have ever made it .

As a girl.. the Handsome Prince was supposed to come and take us away from all of this.... this what? this mundane, non Royal life? I guess.

So we waited.. and we watched England and other countries that have a Monarchy. Occasionally someone got married.. for me and others of my age group, that was, of course the Marriage of Prince Charles, to Lady Diana Spencer.

The "Outsider looking in" perspective:

So We know now, that this was, most certainly an 'arranged' marriage.. Prince Charles was in love with Camilla Parker.. who was just about to marry another man.. She was not appropriate for Royalty..said the queen. She was older.. she was not a virgin.. not appropriate.. so the royal "matchmaker" found the lovely lady Di.. her father was a lord, and therefore Royal.. but still very nearly a commoner... But they married, and all the rest is history.. they didn't get along. He knew his place ( he was a stuffy mofo) .. she felt it her duty, having the clout, to HELP people.. she took the SERVICE part of her role very seriously.. for Di it wasn't just about making an appearance for the cameras.. she actively participated... she walked the landmine filled fields, and helped dig wells so others could have fresh water. She was a GOOD Samaritan, and In my opinion, the best thing that could have ever happened to the monarchy.

She despised the intrusion into her life, but chose to be gracious, and when her sons were born, she gave everyone a glimpse, and helped them to understand their position.. she also taught them to be good people and to take their service to others seriously. She created a life for them that was as 'normal' as it could be.

She did good.. and she left too soon..

Along came Fergie.. she's bawdy.. and had a very 'Fuck you' attitude that I could wrap my head around. Di and Fergie changed the way things worked in the monarchy.. Divorce? HELL NO... they both said " oh HELL YEAH".. and paved the way for their children to lead, while still a ROYAL lifestyle, a chance for them to proceed with their lives, in a way that they weren't allowed to.

So this prince.. he Married a COMMONER.. a COMMONER!!! this is crazy! This young man was allowed to marry the person that he LOVED.. His father wasn't.. His mother wasn't.. and they were both miserable. Charles finally married Camilla... I kind of feel bad that her title is "Royal Consort"... but I love that the Queen is realizing that her monarchy , has changed, and that allowing her grandsons, and granddaughters to marry who they WANT to marry, will keep the 'bad press' to a minimum.

So it was nice to see the future king of England to marry the girl that he loves.. and that Commoner to marry her PRINCE.

So Why do we care? Well.. I love that a person, who historically, wouldn't have been allowed to be happy.. get's to marry the girl he loves.. I love that his mother would have fought for him to have this privilege, and his father did in her stead. I care also because.. like many Americans This History is partly MY history.. a lot of people have gotten off the boats onto American Soil. from all over the world.. But many were English.

On my fathers side, I am only a second Generation American.. he was Hungarian and he and his younger sister, my aunt Helen were the only ones actually born in the US.

On my mother's side.. well that's different... Her mother was German.. her Father? was a Partington.. yep English as it comes.. Coat of Arms and everything His father? they called him Pappy.. and his father was English and his mother was an Irish Ginger, as he turned out to be ( oh the stories of Pappy's red hair and beard!) .. so yeah.. Many Americans have British Blood, delivered down from as far back as the beginning of our American invasion!

So I might remind some of my friends who are Anti English, as they are Very much Irish and resent the Country that has created so much anger and violence toward theirs.. that WE AMERICANs, and THIS generation of Royals , are about as responsible for all that as we were for the American Revolution.. that was not us.. it was a different time.. and it's time to come together people. Hell in MY Generation, it's been the Irish fighting other Irish.. like THAT makes sense either! lol

So yeah maybe we are still somewhat in touch with our roots.. Maybe we just like to look at the pretty dresses.. and admire the Dashing young Princes ( who were as Dashing as Dashing gets!!- and yes I like to say Dashing..) and maybe we like to make fun of the silly hats ( Beatrice REALLY? WTF?).. and make fun of fucking Bitchy Beckham and her ugly millinery ( why does that horrible woman always look like she's just been fed a wasp?).. oh and how about that ugly fucking KID? seriously.. I know the children are included because they are the youngest members of the distant royal family , but sweet Jesus, that one kid had the hugest head I've ever seen.. and I swear she was just a zombie, and beautiful Pippa just held her hand to keep her from eating the brains out of all the guests.. gahhhh! What a train wreck that kid.. wasn't there a PRETTIER cousin? seriously? yikes.. I had a hard time Enjoying Pretty Pippa in her lovely shape hugging gown because my focus was consistently drawn to that GOBLIN to her right.. yikes..

ok enough dissing the poor ugly child.. she can't help it after all.. all that Royal inbreeding and such. right? lol

So In the end.. YES I loved the dress.. I thought it was just "meringue" enough and just fitted enough and just enough lace ( I fucking hate lace).. I did love her flowers.. love that she didn't have the 80's style 29 pound bouquet.. I loved that all the flowers had meaning.. I love that one of the flowers was a Sweet William..

I found that I disagreed with all of the fags ( Except Rupert ) who didn't like the dress Carole Middleton was wearing.. I thought it lovely.. I even Liked Camilla's dress ( do you really want to see her in anything too tight? I think not) and I actually LOVED her hat .

I love the pomp and circumstance.. Why? who knows! maybe because we DON'T do that here... I love the Amazing Cathedral.. I just do.. I'm a sucker for a Gothic Arch.. and I love that they had trees inside it ..

Americans like to go Big or Go HOME and we LOVE THAT SHIT.. it is, oddly enough the same reason we go watch ridiculously giant trucks run over shit.. and ridiculously loud Bands that ruin our hearing.. because its BIG! We tend to like big..

So, in closing.. we American Girls and most of the Girls around the world, who've dreamed of marrying JUST like lovely Miss Middleton did today, often do find a prince.. he's often not rich.. but he loves us Royally. Our dreams of giant cathedrals evolve into our family church, or a favorite beach.., a dear friend's living room or in my case.. my favorite park.. We will still be surrounded by friends and family, and we will still feel like Queen for a Day..

We watch.. we will always watch..hell if they just televised joe Schmoe's wedding every day.. I would watch.. they should have a Wedding Channel.. I would watch. Because, While some will compare Charles Marriage to Diana a sham.. and that it was like leading an innocent lamb into slaughter.. for her son.. it was about Love.. and I love that..

Because for most of us, it's about that sweet and wonderful emotion.. we long to share OUR love with the world, they just GET to. so good on 'em

I will always watch...

full of WAHHHH

It's dark outside..

It's fucking Springtime.. where the hell is my sunshine?

granted this is an unusually cold spring for Seattle.. we usually have sun before now.. This must be Seasonal Affective Disorder or something..I just DREAD looking out the window, because I know it's going to be gray and gloomy.. They tell me it's supposed to be Sunny and in the mid 60's by this afternoon... I wish that the sky would get a move on..

Even on a sunny day our apartment doesn't get sunny..I think from now on, I'm not going to live in a place that doesn't have many many windows and a southern exposure.. seriously.. I'm popping a vit d and a B12 every day and they might as well be sugar pills. bah

can't find a job, but unwilling to change anything about myself to do so.

I hate feeling depressed. People say " oh you should get outside anyway and get some exercise".. duh.. I'm a health Ed grad people.. I know what I SHOULD be doing.. but recently, I sure have had to admit to myself that my very long, and very bad post partum depressions, were not just singular episodes.. admitting mental illness is humiliating. I've been you. I've given the same advice. Being on the other side is much different though. It seems that even the tiniest factors of my life need to be 'just so' for me to feel happy. Why shouldn't I be happy right now right? I have a cute, albeit dark, place, I have a husband that adores me and is kind to me. My son moved back in so I get to see him regularly. I get to be part of people's lives on FB if not in person..

What would make me happy? I haven't HAD to work, and I've been able to pick and choose jobs that I actually WANT to apply for.. If only someone would even CALL me on one would be nice.

I have all kinds of things I want.. a dog.. a cello.. unlimited ebooks, ..sunshine.. but at this point I wonder if having ANY of those things would make me happy. I seriously wonder.

I usually snap right back out of these little depressions.. I usually am worse with my cycle and could blame it on that. Lately my depression cycle has shortened to the point that it never really goes away. scary

I try to keep my sense of humor.. it's always been a part of my personality that I've liked, but even that is waning lately.

I love my few friends for going out of their way to come and see me.. it makes me feel loved for sure.. but oddly doesn't make me love MYSELF more.

yes I should give of myself and volunteer.. I want to.. but I don't want to.. I know it would help, but I seriously lack any motivation to do so. Seems I lack any motivation to do anything except complain.. and I fucking hate that.

I miss feeling helpful.. my kids are grown and I don't massage anymore.. both of which helped people, but again, I lack any motivation to something like volunteer..

I'm a college educated female.. I know a lot of shit about a lot of shit.. but I can't get a job making smoothies. I was able to look at a skeleton with no outwardly visible signs of trauma and tell you how he died.. Oh and that he was a he .. lol.. but I can't get a job selling dog collars, let alone break the nepotistic barrier that is the hr dept at the Health dept.

It is incredibly frustrating to watch any kind of dream or fantasy just disappear..because I don't have the funds, and I have no way of acquiring the funds..

It gets hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel is blocked by train after train after train.

I'm exhausted of the pain and the boredom. I feel very stuck. This horse is struggling at the bit to get free... but free to what? to where? adventure? or simply change of scenery? I need something.. but what? drugs? maybe.. but that would require health insurance.. another thing I don't have. I don't have.. I don't have.. yet I have so much.. why can't I look at what I DO have? and what if I WAS to HAVE whatever it is that I think I NEED? would I just NEED something else? I do know that I don't like being older... I don't like what my body does without regular chiropractic care for sure..but again, no $$ or insurance to fix that. I don't like how I feel. In fact I hate it.

5 hours of sleep and waking with pain doesn't help either.. I lay down yesterday afternoon, but couldn't sleep long because my shoulder was screaming.. I lay down later, in the early evening and finally found a comfortable spot and slept.. only to be wakened by the husbear because a show that I wanted to watch was on. .. but I had yet to cook dinner. hmmmm I was angry.. yeah I wanted to watch the show.. I did.. but man oh man did I not want to cook! but I did.. and missed 1/3 of the show anyway.

Mundane household shit drives me batty.. people that know me know that I would rather eat out than cook.. I would live in a hotel if I could. No seriously.. Eat out every meal and not do dishes or make beds!? sounds like heaven to me! I hate it .. I seriously hate it. but I also hate having piles of dishes in my sink.. I hate that I finally have a dishwasher and it SUCKS. I hate a dirty house and yet I hate to clean it. define irony.

Can't stand being asleep, yet can't stand being awake.. limbo sucks.. sure hope the husbear has that gun hidden well.. no don't panic people.. I am only kidding.. sort of.

Shineeyyy Happpy People.....

I'm snide.. I'm snarky.. I hate certain types of people.. one of which is the group that I call the " ShinY Happy People.. I hate that fucking song.. and I hate those fucking people..

Now I'm certain that they have their share of strife in their lives.. I'm positive.. but because they choose not to bring others down, they will post something like " Tomorrow will be a better day, but I'm still BLESSED".. oy.. that's nice.. I guess.. do I care? No.. WHY don't I care? because you didn't tell me WHY you had a not so perfect day... if you DID I could commiserate.. but when you DON'T.. all we hear is how HAPPY you are.. and how PERFECT your life is.. that makes you.... well.. PERFECT and we fucking hate you..

We hate how motivated you are.. you get up and eat the perfect whole grain and fruit breakfast and then go and work out and admit to LOVING IT!! newsflash.. the rest of the world fucking HATES it most of the time.. we do it because we HAVE to...

Then you have this entire group of wonderful friends who you go to some wonderful place for lunch and I'm sure you eat a salad with tofu and SAY you enjoy it.. and I'm sure you talk about how wonderful your life is . I'm also betting that, even if YOU don't, the rest of those women go home and talk themselves out of committing Helter Skelter at the very least, and Hari Kari at the most.. because I can bet those shiny happy women are, in reality, hating SOMETHING about their lives..

Are they going home and vomiting? because they need to fit into the facade? Do their husbands come home and beat the shit out of them? does one of their PERFECT children cut themselves in private? probably.. its all fucking fake and I get sick of hearing it

The reality is that our lives suck.. as Gnostics we believe that THIS, this place you are currently living, is Hell.. IS HELL.. it's where we learn our lessons, imparting our experience to the godhead.. Everyone's life is difficult..

I guarantee that all those exercise induced endorphins are making you see things so rosily.. I'm betting your husband or partner ,that is going to work his or her ass off so that you can lead your happy go shopping life, is probably miserable.. I'm thinking he wishes you'd rather lay in bed and make love in the morning, instead of getting up to run 10 miles.. I'm betting he'd rather eat a big fucking steak, instead of tofu almondine.. I'm thinking he wishes his credit card balances were lower..

As for the rest of us.. We eat too much.. we don't exercise much.. because we hate it.. we fuck instead of jogging, we meet our friends After WORK, and often have one too many.. and often we have troubles.. getting pregnant, NOT getting pregnant.. paying the bills.. Not taking that one last drink.. not doing a drug that makes us forget that we aren't getting pregnant , or that we can't pay that bill..

We all have those flaws.. and we take pleasure in being there for our friends.. sending our support when one goes in for brain surgery.. or has a scare after that last mammogram.. or when our kids struggle to lose weight or are struggling with our divorce. We enjoy the self disclosure of our friends.. that is what makes us friends.. We don't enjoy hearing about all the shit that you have or do that is BETTER or EASIER than the stuff WE do.. We like to commiserate .. but then we also like to applaud a friend that has had decades of trouble and loss, when her idea becomes a reality, setting her up for a secure retirement..

I don't find these shiny happy people encouraging.. I don't find them inspiring, I don't feel happy for the ease of their lives and their apparent successes.. I find them loathsome..and phony. am I just jealous? hell yeah I am.. I want to be a shiny happy, lady who lunches.. instead I can't get a job, because I actually like my dreadlocks.. sorry.. I live in a cave and I swear I'm losing my sight and starting to adapt using sonar like a bat. I have few friends and they all live far away. I completely lack motivation to change any of that.. and don't tell me to fucking exercise..

Come on.. what's your flaw? what is it, you shiny happy person you? what is it.. inquiring minds want to know. If you don't start sharing, I'm going to fly over there with my shiny, newly adapted bat wings.. and bite your tight and spandex covered ASS..

I'm the one I want

I want a massage...

That shouldn't be a daunting task right? there are hundreds if not THOUSANDS of massage therapists in the Seattle Metro area ( we have several schools for massage.. and a couple are actually really GOOD) that each pump out up to 100 new therapists each year..

So? why is this a problem? because many of those students hated anatomy/Physiology.. and aren't really good at it. ME? my specialty.. I can tell you almost anything about the human body that you want to know, muscular, biochemical, electrochemical, functional you name it.. I aced that class in High School, again in COLLEGE and by the time I hit Massage school.. I could have taught that class.. Kinesiology ( the study of the movement of the body) is next.. it was hard.. even for me.. but I'd say probably 25% of the massage students mastered it.. I was one.

I can't tell you how many patients I had that said " wow are you psychic? you knew exactly where to go" or "How did you know that would help?" .. well.. am I psychic? yeah a little actually, but it doesn't take John Edward to know what your problem is.. How did I know what to do? because I know your body.. and no your problem is not at all unique.. sorry..

So what am I looking for? I want to find ME.. I'm looking for a massage therapist who when I say " I have a downwardly rotated right scapula" to go "OH ok so you need some pec minor work and some wicked myofascial release?".. yes yes that's what I want..

I want someone who's not afraid of working my pecs.. BREASTS freak out massage therapists.. Jeebus.. I need breast/chest/rib/ armpit work.. and I need a therapist that can and will willingly go there.. the only time I've ever had good work here was in school.. and one c/e course that incorporated breast work ( great for fibrocyctic breast disease btw).

My body is a bitch.. I am one of those people who lays down a lot of scar tissue/adhesions.. I also get to enjoy some nice myofascial pain syndrome.. MPS is kind of an umbrella term that incorporates specific syndromes like fibromyalgia.. I don't test positive for FM ( which is a silly test btw as the bilateral trigger points they stimulate are all on muscle insertion points or common trigger points that hurt on MOST people lol) but what I have is called an "Amplified Pain Response".. which oddly goes hand in hand with my allergy to NSAIds ( non steroidal anti inflammatories aka aspirin, ibuprofen, naproxin etc..) I can only take Tylenol safely.. which is NOT an anti inflammatory.. go figure.. define irony.. incredible pain levels but allergic to anything that helps! so yeah.. Amplified Pain Response.. My brain gets the PAIN message, and it's like shooting it through your guitar's amplifier.. my brain's return response is 10x or more what most people feel as pain.. so yeah.. my pain IS 10 times what yours is.. so shut the fuck up you fucking whiners! lol

Massage is incredibly painful for me.. My massage school experience was not pleasant.. the first day of school the instructor made us all stand in a circle and do a little "round robin" massage on the neck and shoulders of the person next to us.. all around me I hear "oooohs and aaaaahhh's".. the chick behind me put her hands on my traps and sqeezed.. and dropped me to my knees.. Vulcan death grip? you'd think so, the way I dropped.. the entire school year was like that.. just first semester Swedish massage hurt.. people all around me making yummy noises and Me squirming under the sheet trying not to cry and scream out loud..

During my massage school experience, I was suffering badly with plantar fascitis . I couldn't put my own weight on my feet when getting out of bed.. going to the bathroom was a challenge in the middle of the night.. I often found myself just 'rolling' out of bed and crawling to the bathroom, just so I didn't have to stand on my damn feet. At one point during the third term.. we'd done some deep tissue fascial release on each other's IT bands..( OMG fucking kill me).. after the third session of that I think I actually did SEE GOD... but one morning right after that third session.. I woke up walked into the bathroom, sat down on the pot, and found myself playing that 'Old Folks" game of "What hurts this Morning"?! and realized that nothing hurt.. nothing.. I began to cry.. it was the first time since I took a spill down my frozen back steps on New Year's Eve 1986 that I had virtually no pain. My 7 or 8 year old daughter walked by and saw me weeping and said " Mommy! why are you crying?." I said, laughing through my tears " I don't hurt ANYWHERE!".. she looked at me, terribly confused, and said " Isn't that a GOOD thing?".. I nodded and she said " Then Why are you CRYING?".. hahahaha

So yeah.. I have a history of moderate to high pain levels.. I worked for chiropractors for 10 years, and between three really good ones ( Dr. Phil Thompson down in Auburn, Dr. Hill in White Center, and Dr. Schreyer in Bothell) I saw my spinal curvatures normalize, my pain levels decrease, and even my monthly pain and bitchiness decrease... I didn't get massage as regularly as I would have wanted, because well, aside from my friend Aine ( the high priestess of petrisagge) .. most of them just sucked.. to be frank.. I had gotten a gift certificate to one of the local Massage Envy shops ( which we massage therapists boycott btw-- slave labor.. they WAYYY under pay their therapists.. they should be closed down. don't support them!) and my therapist was friendly and all but her favorite.. ok her ONLY technique (?) was this odd 'sawing' motion, which she even used on my neck until I asked her to stop.. I thought she was going to cut me in half.. jebus.

So what the hell do I want? I want me.. I want ME to give ME a massage.. I can be as communicative as I can ( to the point of bitchiness I'm sure).. I can tell the therapist " Today I want moderately deep tissue and fascial release done to the following: neck shoulders ( traps, deltoids, and rotator cuff muscles and insertions ) anterior cervical ( probably the MOST important work that NEVER gets done), Under arm/subscapular work and most of all, the dreaded PECTORALIS MINOR.. you'll have to start with separating it from the Pec Major , and then I need to to REAM the FUCK out of it! with special attention to it's insertions .. Do exactly what I say.. don't stop! even if I BEG for MERCY! just ignore me and keep on reaming..".. But what would I get? I would get what I call the "silence of the lambs" massage.. they 'rub the lotion on my skin'.. well guess what? I can do that myself!!!

yeah I need a massage.. I need some mounds of scar tissue removed from above some previously broken ribs, so I can breathe again.. I want to GET what I pay for.

whew.. I want to have to fill a bathtub with ice and water to sooth my massage beaten body.. I want to need a nice Swedish to help dump all the lactic acid that will be dumped by the FIRST massage!! I want to lie in bed asking God " Why did I pay someone to DO THIS?".. that's what I want..

and my cheap ass wants to pay $25 for it.. lol I will likely pay up to $60 or $80.. but I don't want to... and no I don't want to trade.. I just want a massage.. I don't want to have to give one to get one..

arg..

* limps away from the computer holding her shoulder and whimpering*