That shouldn't be a daunting task right? there are hundreds if not THOUSANDS of massage therapists in the Seattle Metro area ( we have several schools for massage.. and a couple are actually really GOOD) that each pump out up to 100 new therapists each year..
So? why is this a problem? because many of those students hated anatomy/Physiology.. and aren't really good at it. ME? my specialty.. I can tell you almost anything about the human body that you want to know, muscular, biochemical, electrochemical, functional you name it.. I aced that class in High School, again in COLLEGE and by the time I hit Massage school.. I could have taught that class.. Kinesiology ( the study of the movement of the body) is next.. it was hard.. even for me.. but I'd say probably 25% of the massage students mastered it.. I was one.
I can't tell you how many patients I had that said " wow are you psychic? you knew exactly where to go" or "How did you know that would help?" .. well.. am I psychic? yeah a little actually, but it doesn't take John Edward to know what your problem is.. How did I know what to do? because I know your body.. and no your problem is not at all unique.. sorry..
So what am I looking for? I want to find ME.. I'm looking for a massage therapist who when I say " I have a downwardly rotated right scapula" to go "OH ok so you need some pec minor work and some wicked myofascial release?".. yes yes that's what I want..
I want someone who's not afraid of working my pecs.. BREASTS freak out massage therapists.. Jeebus.. I need breast/chest/rib/ armpit work.. and I need a therapist that can and will willingly go there.. the only time I've ever had good work here was in school.. and one c/e course that incorporated breast work ( great for fibrocyctic breast disease btw).
My body is a bitch.. I am one of those people who lays down a lot of scar tissue/adhesions.. I also get to enjoy some nice myofascial pain syndrome.. MPS is kind of an umbrella term that incorporates specific syndromes like fibromyalgia.. I don't test positive for FM ( which is a silly test btw as the bilateral trigger points they stimulate are all on muscle insertion points or common trigger points that hurt on MOST people lol) but what I have is called an "Amplified Pain Response".. which oddly goes hand in hand with my allergy to NSAIds ( non steroidal anti inflammatories aka aspirin, ibuprofen, naproxin etc..) I can only take Tylenol safely.. which is NOT an anti inflammatory.. go figure.. define irony.. incredible pain levels but allergic to anything that helps! so yeah.. Amplified Pain Response.. My brain gets the PAIN message, and it's like shooting it through your guitar's amplifier.. my brain's return response is 10x or more what most people feel as pain.. so yeah.. my pain IS 10 times what yours is.. so shut the fuck up you fucking whiners! lol
Massage is incredibly painful for me.. My massage school experience was not pleasant.. the first day of school the instructor made us all stand in a circle and do a little "round robin" massage on the neck and shoulders of the person next to us.. all around me I hear "oooohs and aaaaahhh's".. the chick behind me put her hands on my traps and sqeezed.. and dropped me to my knees.. Vulcan death grip? you'd think so, the way I dropped.. the entire school year was like that.. just first semester Swedish massage hurt.. people all around me making yummy noises and Me squirming under the sheet trying not to cry and scream out loud..
During my massage school experience, I was suffering badly with plantar fascitis . I couldn't put my own weight on my feet when getting out of bed.. going to the bathroom was a challenge in the middle of the night.. I often found myself just 'rolling' out of bed and crawling to the bathroom, just so I didn't have to stand on my damn feet. At one point during the third term.. we'd done some deep tissue fascial release on each other's IT bands..( OMG fucking kill me).. after the third session of that I think I actually did SEE GOD... but one morning right after that third session.. I woke up walked into the bathroom, sat down on the pot, and found myself playing that 'Old Folks" game of "What hurts this Morning"?! and realized that nothing hurt.. nothing.. I began to cry.. it was the first time since I took a spill down my frozen back steps on New Year's Eve 1986 that I had virtually no pain. My 7 or 8 year old daughter walked by and saw me weeping and said " Mommy! why are you crying?." I said, laughing through my tears " I don't hurt ANYWHERE!".. she looked at me, terribly confused, and said " Isn't that a GOOD thing?".. I nodded and she said " Then Why are you CRYING?".. hahahaha
So yeah.. I have a history of moderate to high pain levels.. I worked for chiropractors for 10 years, and between three really good ones ( Dr. Phil Thompson down in Auburn, Dr. Hill in White Center, and Dr. Schreyer in Bothell) I saw my spinal curvatures normalize, my pain levels decrease, and even my monthly pain and bitchiness decrease... I didn't get massage as regularly as I would have wanted, because well, aside from my friend Aine ( the high priestess of petrisagge) .. most of them just sucked.. to be frank.. I had gotten a gift certificate to one of the local Massage Envy shops ( which we massage therapists boycott btw-- slave labor.. they WAYYY under pay their therapists.. they should be closed down. don't support them!) and my therapist was friendly and all but her favorite.. ok her ONLY technique (?) was this odd 'sawing' motion, which she even used on my neck until I asked her to stop.. I thought she was going to cut me in half.. jebus.
So what the hell do I want? I want me.. I want ME to give ME a massage.. I can be as communicative as I can ( to the point of bitchiness I'm sure).. I can tell the therapist " Today I want moderately deep tissue and fascial release done to the following: neck shoulders ( traps, deltoids, and rotator cuff muscles and insertions ) anterior cervical ( probably the MOST important work that NEVER gets done), Under arm/subscapular work and most of all, the dreaded PECTORALIS MINOR.. you'll have to start with separating it from the Pec Major , and then I need to to REAM the FUCK out of it! with special attention to it's insertions .. Do exactly what I say.. don't stop! even if I BEG for MERCY! just ignore me and keep on reaming..".. But what would I get? I would get what I call the "silence of the lambs" massage.. they 'rub the lotion on my skin'.. well guess what? I can do that myself!!!
yeah I need a massage.. I need some mounds of scar tissue removed from above some previously broken ribs, so I can breathe again.. I want to GET what I pay for.
whew.. I want to have to fill a bathtub with ice and water to sooth my massage beaten body.. I want to need a nice Swedish to help dump all the lactic acid that will be dumped by the FIRST massage!! I want to lie in bed asking God " Why did I pay someone to DO THIS?".. that's what I want..
and my cheap ass wants to pay $25 for it.. lol I will likely pay up to $60 or $80.. but I don't want to... and no I don't want to trade.. I just want a massage.. I don't want to have to give one to get one..
arg..
* limps away from the computer holding her shoulder and whimpering*
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