Playing catch with Grandma..

During meditation, I often achieved an altered state, the very same 'Alpha' state achieved during the sleep cycle.

Alpha state is that 'sort of awake' state we achieve, just as we're drifting off to sleep..

Beta = wide awake,

then Alpha= relaxation with 'dosing', then

Theta= asleep- measured brain waves begin to 'spindle' meaning they will have bursts of amplitude or frequency,

then Delta = deep sleep,

then REM= characterized by rapid eye movements,a dramatic decrease in muscle tone and is the stage where we dream , and unless wakened during this stage, we will not remember our dreams.

We cycle in and out of each cycle several times during the night, and during alpha is usually when we realize that we have to pee. During sleep we are generally not even aware of our trip through the sleep cycle. I have however, become aware of a kind of 'indicator light' during my alpha state, when.. how do I say this without sounding like a crackpot?.. someone's trying to tell me something.. when I get a message from..the 'other side'... it is in fact the stage most associated with not just meditation, but channeling, and astral travel. My 'indicator light', is purely visual.. I suddenly see a swirling mist of white and colors, most often purple ( an aura color associated with spirituality I've learned). This is my cue to pay attention.. that this isn't a normal Alpha phase.. someone is 'on the line' so to speak.

This used to happen to me regularly when I meditated ( because meditation trains us to differentiate between 'states' of consciousness), and was often accompanied by visits from strangers.. just passing by.. I got the occasional joker that would try to scare me.. and my daughter would often experience the same 'visitations' and has often woken me up to describe the exact same 'entity' I was experiencing.. very curious. I have learned over the years how to determine what is a 'dream' vs what is a 'visit'..

On rare occasions I get a 'visitation'.. it's someone on the line that I KNOW..my favorite was a one time visit from my father, an old family friend ( Bertha Witka, who my mother purchased her business from when I was 5, and taught me all about art, rock hunting and what has become my favorite subject...the paranormal) and my favorite dog.. all in one shot. Our minds use some kinds of imagery, that we will be familiar with-so that we make that connection.. if we're afraid.. we will subconsciously break the connection. In the case of that visitation.. it was Mrs. Witka's house on the outside, but as I walked up the steps and opened her back door, it became my family home.. Pop culture references are also often described by members of my generation as well. For example, I have in the past, when more than one person 'comes' through and wants to say something..seen all of them in a 'Brady Bunch" opening kind of layout.. 9 squares each with a face in them, looking around at each other and speaking to each other.. it has also taken the form of the 'hollywood squares' game show.. The powers that be, probably understand that I might be completely overwhelmed by 9 or 10 'people' trying to communicate at once.. so they put themselves into a format that I'm familiar with, as not to be afraid.

So like I said. I haven't been meditating much since I got married. I don't really have an alter space, not that it's needed, but much of the spiritual practice that I used to do daily, has stopped... my attention being drawn to a new aspect of my life.. my husband. Therefore, much of the connection to the other side has been lost as well..

I do find that my Spiritual ( I prefer the term to 'psychic'.. which just sounds again.. like I'm cracked!) abilities ( I'm clairsentient, and clairaudient and only occasionally clairvoyant - it kind of scares me so i tend to panic and shut it down) to be not just turned on, but turned UP around certain people. I don't hear my spirit guides as much as I used to ( which happens during the beta stage... wiiiiide awake).. I kind of missed that.. one was a 'Master healer" that used to speak to me while I worked.. one of my favorite things to hear from patients was " it's funny how you know exACTLY where the pain is"... I just told them that I "listened to my hands"... they didn't need to know that my "hands" were actually a principality ( a "high level" angel) Named Michael.. he had chosen to live a human life once.. where he was a butcher.. YEP my master healer was a butcher.. go figure.. and he liked to be called Big MIke.. Big Mike the Butcher was the one guiding me in how to work on your bodies! lol no wonder I'm fascinated with serial killers!!! lol

So I listened to Big Mike and my other, Primary guide Sarah Jane ( who has her own interesting story.. another time) while awake.. I learned the physical cues that accompany their presence ( well they're ALWAYS present... I should say when THey want ME to know that they are present!) But I've also learned to pay attention to what comes around during that Alpha state..

Last night? a visit from my Grandmother...

My Grandmother was Jeanette Marguerite Ziehre Partington... a little German lady who happened to be born an Aquarius Dog ( cusping on Pig which she had a lot of qualities of as well) She was the delightful Aquarius with those dog traits... hard to get her to change her mind, once it's been made up, but very protective and loyal... She was wonderful.. and we got along quite well.. our birthdays were only 3 days apart ( hers January 26 and mine the 29th) and we often celebrated them together..

She loved to travel and often, when overcome by her wanderlust, would take me along.. sometimes for weeks at a time ( to Portand OR) or sometimes just for a drive out to Little America for a chicken dinner... anything to get her out of the house and on the road, or rail. She was quick to smile and I rarely saw her 'down'. Just lots of wonderful memories.. I could go on for pages and pages.. Needless to say she was very special to me.. She was the only grandparent that I ever knew.. all the rest had passed before I was born. It's funny that I was just thinking the other day, how I had never gotten a visitation from her.. I rationalized that it was because she knew I was ok with her passing.. she was 95 and I once asked her what she was waiting for.. what lesson was she still needing to learn, and was, hence, keeping her here.. she said " maybe I just needed to learn what it's like to be REAlly old!".. we both laughed.. but I think she was right...

So I went to bed as usual last night.. got up a couple of times to pee of course.. but at one point, became very aware of my Alpha state and my 'indicator light'.. this used to scare me.. but now I just get excited to see who it's going to be... I was immediately transported to a very green yard..it wasn't a house that I recognized, but we were in a side yard, with a white fence and several fruit bearing trees lined the fence. We were playing baseball.. well not really baseball, but I was tossing the ball and she was hitting it , or attempting to, with a bat. We laughed at her feeble attempts, she was never athletic, but continued to chat and play.. she was much younger than I ever remember her ( some psychics, say that on the other side we are all about 30 years old,even if we died as children in this lifetime, or at least we 'appear' to be..), and she looked beautiful. It was wonderful to see her laugh and play...

At one point she said " oh! I should show you what I've made! ( she was a very crafty and creative person) and proceeded to show me some leather tooled bags that she'd made ( now this was weird for me.. this is something that she never DID when she was alive, but had mentioned several times that she would LOVE to do...) and they were amazing! I oohed and ahhh'd and she said she wished she could give me one.. boy I do too, they were awesome..

Then I had to pee..so I got up and my physical world felt...somehow.. occupied by her presence..like she wasn't done chatting yet or something.. So I went BACK to bed, and immediately upon lying down, saw that swirl of light and colors... and I felt myself smile.. she was back.. or had never left...just allowed me my potty break!

We were then sitting at a table having coffee/tea.. and just chatting.. no dramatic 'X marks the spot', or 'the insurance policy is hidden under the sofa' kind of things. just chatting.. she told me not to worry so much about my kids, they'd be just fine, and that she loved Michael ( she never had the opportunity to meet him) and it seemed like it lasted a long time.. Now in life, my favorite time with my Grandmother was early in the morning, when everyone else was asleep.. we would both get up, and have that coffee or tea and just be together.. It's what I miss the most. Having the opportunity to be with her and have tea, was the best gift ever, and I thank the Universe for allowing me to do that one more time..

She was very special to me, and I miss her a great deal. It was nice to spend my night with her... and I haven't mentioned the YEAR she was born.. 1911.. this Jan 26..she would be 100 years old..

Next time she shows up, I want to jump in her metaphysical car and go for a ride out to Little America for a chicken dinner..

Year in Review

Well friends, it's that time again.. 2010 is nearing completion, and it was, well... depressing really..

January started badly.. I spent all of New Year's day driving to and from Pullman WA, because my daughter just couldn't spend another MINUTE in a house full of people who loved her.. It's about 5 hours there, and 5 more back.. and it was miserably uncomfortable all the way there..not a lot of pleasant conversation. The snow and ice had been piling up over the mountain passes and I was exhausted, and suggested I just sleep on the kids dorm room floor and leave in the morning.. she was horrified at the idea.. so with no money for a hotel.. I was on the road again.. only to be called BACK because she'd left her phone and her FISH in my car. Fortunately I was only about 40 minutes out.. so I went BACK to Pullman. Needless to say, the trip home was harrowing, and roads closed shortly after I got over the pass..and finally crawled, exhausted, into my bed around 2 am. January 2 was the day I decided I wasn't doing a big Christmas anymore.. at least not until there were grandbabies!

January brought the death of my sweet husbear's father.. He'd been fighting COPD for many years and was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer just a couple of months earlier.. decided to start chemo AFTER Christmas, but his poor body was just too worn out from the fight all these years and succumbed to his cancer on Jan 19th.

We took a trip down to Stockton/Tracy CA for his memorial service. On the bright side, I finally got to meet my brother's in law, Justin and Tyler, and other members of Michael's dad's family.. Michael was also pleased to see some family that he was afraid he'd lost touch with forever! I also got to meet my brother in law Robert ( who I doubted really existed lol) who's Michael's sister Carries husband.. we bonded over being recovering Catholics.. Michael has had a tough year.. like many of us after we lose a parent, he feels a bit 'cut adrift'.. as his dad was certainly his anchor.

In February, we made a second trip down, to go through his dad's house.. it was bittersweet, watching M and his sibs go through their dad's things, divvying up the things that had monetary or simply sentimental value to each of them. We are pleased to have some of his things in our household now.. I think it's nice for M to see them every day. He had wonderfully good taste.

That trip was the trip to actually bury his dad's remains.. there was a small graveside service with just family... each kid shared wonderful memories of their dad, and I appreciated Justin and Tyler's mother Sheri, shared some of her fond memories of her former husband as well.

This helped ME to get to know him more, as I'd never gotten the pleasure of meeting my father in law.

Throughout the year, several friends have lost parents and family members.. some rather dramatically, and have had family members or THEMSELVES hospitalized, sometimes multiple times.. Many have lost jobs in this shitty economy, many have lost vehicles, and worse, their homes because of it. It's been difficult yet truly inspiring watching people's warrior spirits come out this year! ( it has been the year of the TIGER in Chinese Astrology.. thank goodness) Times like these really bring out the best and WORST in people, But I've certainly seen people pull together, and GIVE, even when they only had a little bit themselves..

I have only worked one shift at the stadium this year, and made just a couple of bucks.. yikes! the job search has been fruitless, in spite of some excellent interviews..

But after the first of the year, I'm jumping feet first into the job search, as one of my goal for 2011 is to pay on my student loan, as after 11 straight months of paying it, it comes out of default and drops off my credit.. I'm also planning on paying the 'little' things off that are damaging my credit, with the goal of a kick ass credit score.. why? we're thinking 2012 is the year we buy a house. Why?.. I'm sick of people telling me that I can't have a dog... or BIRDhouses/baths.. or what color I can or can't paint my walls.. those tiny things that make you happy.. I do enjoy renting for some reasons.. like if the water heater breaks or the fridge dies! lol but I want a dog.. period.

There were some great highs this year too.. I celebrated my third year of marriage to the best guy I know..he's not perfect.. but I adore him... Marriage is a challenge for sure.. I wish we COULD just live on love.. things would be so blissful wouldn't they? but fortunately, he is quite strong, in the areas that I am weak, and vice versa. He makes me laugh and smile daily.. which is important, he tries harder than anyone I know, and it seems like his only goal in life is to make me happy. I love him so. He's Charming, talented, funny as SHIT, and smarter than anyone I've ever met.. I couldn't possibly do without him.

My son is home.. not sure if this is ideal or NOT.. I do love having him near..always have.. he moved out with the intention of getting a job and going to school, none of which materialized.. he'd been collecting unemployment until they said.. "nope, you're done".. at which point I offered him my spare room IF he got that job and got registered for school.. he had a job within a couple of weeks ( and does feel good about working again!) and started the financial aid process.. and he begins classes January 3rd and is really excited about it.. I'm just pleased as punch.. as I was beginning to worry that he'd NEVER actually do it!..

So he's home... and we miss our spare bedroom.. which was My sanctuary during the day, and M's in the evenings.. personally I miss my beautiful BATHROOM the most. I used to go in and take long luxurious baths... and it was ALWAYS clean.. I loved my little makeshift spa hideaway!.. I just keep telling myself.. it's only temporary.. it's only temporary!

I did get to meet a couple of my favorite celebrities this year too! In July I had the opportunity to meet Dave Meniketti from Yand T. I'd met him once before in Petaluma, where he signed my right shoulder.. I went home and had it tattoo'd on.. this time I actually got a chance to chat and show him the tat. He was tickled and I got a great pic with him.

I also had the chance to say hello and have a pic with Laurel K. Hamilton, who writes the Anita Blake series.. Love her stuff and she was in town promoting her new book 'Bullet'. It was interesting to hear her answer everyones questions about her characters and her writing process..

I got to see some great friends this year... Sephy was in town, however briefly.. and spent a couple of days with me when not at his yearly retreat. We caught up, ate a lOT because that's what we DO together, and he and Michael had some more time to bond this year as well.. We worked on each others dreads and stayed up late.. ok I didn't.. but the boys did!

I also got reunited with a dear friend from my college days.. Shari and her former husband Scott had been my employers back in the day, and Shari's sister happens to live up here.. they had some plans but Shari and I managed to squeeze in a few hours to catch up.. It was so nice to see her beautiful face!

We didn't do a lot of traveling this year.. as we've been saving it all up for our Christmas vacation in Las Vegas! At this writing, we have 5 days and a wake up before we leave! For many years, as the stress of Christmas has gotten me down, I've said that we should ( even when I had smaller kids) go to vegas for Xmas.. My fantasy for Christmas day, is to get up, go to a huge buffet, come back, hang out at the pool..floating around with a martini in one hand and a cigar in the other... that's my ideal Christmas day.. so we're finally going to do it!.. Jamison and his beautiful Amanda were going to join us.. but feared that the money wouldn't be there so they backed out.. and Layne had no desire to do Vegas.. I say THEIR LOSS!!

We aren't going to have a lot of funds either.. but we're going anyway!.. I have a few friends that live there ( or will be visiting during Christmas), as do Michael and Amy.. so part of the fun will be playing catch up with all of them! I look so forward to spending time with two people that I love most in the world, my best friend and my husbear!

So yeah. some Highs and lots of lows this year. I really am hoping that all our parents stay healthy, as well as all our friends, and if this can't happen, I hope that we will always have each other to lean on.. I so love all my friends, and finding so many of them on FB has truly been a blessing. FB has helped me find some family members, and lots of old friends that I feared might be lost forever.. and they help me cope with all the daily crap..they listen to me bitch about housework and praise my cake decorating! lol y'all make me feel special and I love you!

So here's hoping 2011, and the year of the Rabbit, will be productive and positive for all of us..

Good Yule! Merry Christmas, and a Happy Happy New year everyone!

Not sure why I've decided to start a blog.. bored I guess...

I guess I should start by saying that.. I will write in a free association style.. I do like grammar, and I loathe a sentence that starts with AND ( it's a fucking conjunction people!), but this blog is about MY thoughts.. and I don't care to create logical sentence and paragraph structure here.. I just don't.. so there you go.

I swear.. a lot.. if your delicate sensitivities prevent you from enjoying my blog.. fuck you.. I don't care. They are just words people.. the only power that they have is the power that you give them. Frankly, sometimes the word Fuck, is the only word that works..

I am gay friendly, herb friendly, and a Pagan, by nature, if not by practice. I was raised a Catholic and am still in recovery.

I have two kids that I should never have given birth to, as I feel really sorry for them now... because parenting is a tough gig and most of us aren't cut out for it.. including me.

I have a wicked cool husband.. he's a genius, but a bit aspergerish..and I find his neurosis amusing much of the time, but sometimes I want to run screaming into the hills..

I believe in astrology.. I am the epitome of the Aquarius Fire Horse.. look up this description and you will find a picture of me..

I loathe certain types of people.. like arrogant politifiles who are generally Republican.. and tend to hate everything I value the most.

I hate people that never bothered to go to college, but sat around in someone's basement getting stoned and talking about the atrocities in the world, before they've ever gone out and experienced it.. and consider themselves authorities on every fucking subject, and like to make you feel like "the man".. because you bought a cuppa from Starbucks..

I hate pompous, elitest assholes who can't have any fun because they're too busy making sure that everything they have or do, is BIGGER, BETTER OR FASTER than what everyone else has or does..

I enjoy sex.. yep I sure do.. and I like it with men and sometimes women.. take that as you will.. I tend to be about 70% hetero ( and a bit masculine).. and %30 homo (and and rarely girly).. I generally find men more attractive than women, but I do love me some bewbies.. I tend to prefer relationships with women, but sex with men.. then I found my husband.. who is the exact opposite of me.. %70 girl and %30 male.. he is kind of like a lesbian stuck in a man's body.. he prefers women's clothes, for comfort and could tell you if a certain shoe is LAST SEASON'S ( wtf? I just see shoes) but likes to fuck us too.. go figure.. the Goddess broke the mold after this guy, let me tell ya..

I have dreadlocks.. and yes I wash my hair.. I find nothing more loathsome than stinky ass, unkept dreads.. it's horrifying and I find myself staring at their heads waiting for something to crawl out.. eww.. I've never liked my hair, until I started my dreads.. it's the best style I have ever had.. and while they might look, occasionally unkept, I promise they will always be clean..

So, not sure if I'm ready for this.. doubt that YOU are ready for this... but here we go.. on to the next...