A Thousand Words

Good Morning Blogverse!

I am thinking that I should just call myself RantLady... I think it's a more appropriate name for me.. I rant about what ever strikes me as unusual, or wrong in the world.. like today.. today I have a rant.

Words. Now really, the majority of my friends and family all went to the same schools.. hell most of us had the same teachers.. so why, oh why, is it that they use words that don't exist? why?

Ok, in fairness.. I say ain't.. I admit it. It's not a proper conjunction.. it ain't.. but it's easier to say than isn't.. I guess.. I don't know.. again it's MYYYY blog and we all know that the blogger is always right, right? that's right. Do as I SAY, not as I DOO people!! lol

Anyway, this rant started upon my trip home to Wyoming. Again, they all have the same basic education that I did.. why is it that my mother can NOT for the life of her, say WASHington? it's WARSHington.. I bet I said " There is no R in Wash" a hundred times... seriously.. what is so fucking hard about that? ooh ooh and the town of Evenston is, to my mother, EvinGston.. But again, in fairness We all pronounce Kemmerer, as Kemmer, and Dubois, as DooBoys... aargh..

Then I visit Vickie, one of my Oldest and Dearest friends... who informed me that her mother had attempted to serve her "BOUGHTEN" jam, rather than home made...

My response was " did you just say BOUGHTEN?".. she said " yeah BOUGHTEN".. I said " do you mean store bought?".. she said "Yeah BOUGHTEN".. I think I laughed for 20 minutes.. and of course gave her a metric shit ton of abuse about it for the rest of the trip..

We discussed it and came up with some other funny "Wyomingisms" ( again in fairness, I'm sure most communities have such isms too) such as:

"Bein Have"... that would be BEHAVING... lol

"Fibbin"... telling a fib.. or a little white lie

"Mondy, Tuesdy, Wednesdy.." you get the idea.. there are no DAYS in the days of the week there..

"Lawnd".. my mom waters her "lawnd".. I almost peed...

and an all time favorite ( which I happen to know is not just a regional thing, a friend of my daughters came up from Cali once and said the same thing and I about shit myself)...

So EE Sauce... yep that's Soy sauce..

oh I did have fun, looking and sounding like an elitist bitch while in Wyoming.. Ain't it FUN!!!??? Well Ain't it?

It's not about PAIN

The other day I did a blog about dreadlocks.. today, after reading my exact thoughts put into words by Dan Brown.. I thought I might write about tattooing..

My back has a large tattoo on it.. I love it.. I had the idea for the design and my artist designed it.. I traded a lot of massage to get it.. yet .. I have another idea for adding to it.. go figure..

I have several astrological signs ( of loved ones) traveling up and down my left leg.. I have my mythological totem ( phoenix) on my right shoulder, the signature of a guitar god looming over it...

I love my tattoos.. I do.. people see them and say " Wow you must really be into pain"... people's favorite questions have been " how long did that take?" to which the answer is- about 17 hours.. not all at the same time.. and my all time favorite " didn't that hurt?".. to which I give the stock answer " no.. I had it licked on by kittens" ( thanks to Amy for that clever comeback)..

The only thing I can think of when people say " Wow you must really be into pain"... is "wow you must not have a single tattoo"... because those of us in the tribe, know it's not about the pain.. we don't like to hurt any more than anyone else does. I have always told people that pain is transformative.. it's temporary, but transformative.. it's like having a baby..( or for you guys, maybe passing a gallstone) .. you suffer, then it's' over.. and you have something wonderful to show for it.. and your vessel.. your person.. will never be the same.. I'm not sure exactly what you gain from passing a gallstone, but it's the only high level pain thing I could think of for you fellas!!! lol ( maybe you simply gain an appreciation for the pain that women endure!)

Once the needle/s have deposited that ink under you skin, you will never EVER be the same person again..not even if you were to have them removed.. that area of skin will never be what it was before the tat. It's about change. Not Pain.

The bible says that it's wrong.. well.. I call bullshit as usual.. the bible was written by man.. not God.. sorry. Frankly I look at it as a way of celebrating our vessel and it's creator. The skin is now covered in regalia.. permanently. the tattoo was around long before the bible and Christianity. The decoration of the skin was a privilege and often a right of passage in some tribes. One that I wanted was the Maori chin tat of the 'mother'.. it's a rite of passage for older adult females .. the wise ones.. not a gnarly full face tattoo.. but obvious none the less.. I settled for a NW native tradition of piercing the area under my lower lip ( the labret)..same meaning, different tribe!

does it hurt? duh of Course it hurts.. After about 3 hours of steady work, I start to bleed.. if I don't stop shortly after that I tend to get a little shocky... so I have my artist stop.. a good artist will of course, know WHEN to stop.

The Inked People look at each other knowingly.. we share a bond of pain, our tribe.. we understand the transformation that has occurred with body modification ( not just tats but piercings, scarifications, dermal grafts, branding etc.. ) and we recognize and salute each other with glances and nods... even the home tats and prison tats are recognizable members of our not so small, elite tribe.

I am intensely proud of my work and have ideas for much much more.. and I can't wait.. both of my children have tattoos and piercings.. my beautiful daughter has the Kanji words for 'metal horse' ( her Chinese astrological sign) on her neck and my son has work on both arms and the back of one shoulder. Even the husbear has plans for some tats.. ( he's currently a virgin and non tribe member- although he does have several piercings!)

So when I picked up this book and read that Dan Brown character Mal'akh has tattoo'd his own flesh.. all but one little circular area on the top of his head.. and Brown writes:

"The goal of tattooing was never beauty. The goal was Change... From the scarified Nubian priests of 2000BC to the tattooed acolytes of the Cybele cult of ancient Rome, to the Moko scars of the modern Maori, humans have tattooed themselves as a way of offering up their bodies in partial sacrifice, enduring the physical pain of embellishment and emerging changed beings.

Despite the ominous admonitions of Leviticus 19:28, which forbade the marking of one's flesh, tattoos had become a rite of passage shared by millions of people in the modern age.. everyone from clean cut teenagers to hard core drug users to suburban housewives.

The act of tattooing one's skin was a transformative declaration of power, an announcement to the world: I am in control of my own flesh. The intoxicating feeling of control derived from physical transformation had addicted millions to flesh-altering practices... cosmetic surgery, body piercing, bodybuilding, and steroids... even bulimia and transgendering.. The human spirit craves mastery over its carnal shell. "

So we could argue, that having mastery over our carnal shell, is a very HUMAN thing to do .. and not at all spiritual.. not at all the sacrifice described earlier.. so what is it when there is no spiritual component ( just because MINE have such a component, doesn't mean OTHER's tattoos do right?) What if they just like the art for ARTs sake? I think that is ok too. Skin is a wonderful canvas.. I've seen some amazing art done on people's skin..stuff I would be proud to wear.. then there is the silliness that I can't believe people pay for... but what ever.

I like this particular declaration of power.. I also like Art for Arts sake.. I also like that people have the freedom to have the worst artist EVER do the worst pos tattoo front and center on their forehead if they like.

I've seen women who had beautiful vines and flower's tattooed over mastectomy scars.. I've seen people make light of the loss of toes ( dear mom, went to the market.. be back soon.. signed piggy) and shark bites ( bloody flesh with shark teeth embedded in it).. amputations of the lower arm tattooed to look like one giant finger..

I've also seen a lot of people tattoo cartoon characters on themselves at 19 , regret them at 30 and have to save to have them removed. I've seen women restore their lost feelings of sexuality by having nipples tattooed on their recently reconstructed breasts after cancer surgery.. I've seen women tattoo their eyebrows, and watched that color fade to an ugly grey ew...

I have met young men who tat'd "I love" followed by his girlfriend's name, only to have a thick LINE tattooed through that name and a NEW name tattooed in underneath it.. and then one under that and so on..

I've seen mothers and fathers who have tattoo's their deceased infant's only picture onto their chests and I've seen countless 'in memory of' tattoos.. you know the ones.. they are hurting so badly they had to poke ink under their skin to help them cope.

I can also dig the sentiment of NOT tattooing.. I realize that it isn't for everyone.. I realize that some people feel that their body is a temple and just fine as it is.. and you know what? it is.. it's just fine.

I feel though.. that there is divine in the ink.. our artistic inspirations are divine.. and sometimes just silly.. but there is divine in the silly too.

So here lies the question.. to INK or Not to INK?.. the choice is yours.. just remember.. you will NEVER EVER be the same person you were before.. you might find that the small change in your appearance will suit you..

it's about free will, it's about self expression, it's about art, it's about sacrifice and it's about change..

I'm all about the change... so It won't take much to find me if you're looking.. I'm that amazon girl with dreadlocks having her back piece worked on.. just follow the sound of buzzing..

Stinky Dread Heads...

you know what I hate? ( yep here we go!) people who assume that because I have dreadlocks that I stink..

I have had my dreads for about 3 years.. I work new hairs into the roots, I wax and bind them so that they are of basically equal size.. and look good.. nothing grosser than 8 or 10 dreads that have matted together, and you walk around with one giant Mat on the side of your head.. that's disgusting.

Why did I choose to dread? because I hate my hair.. it's true.. my friend Amy once told me that women have to come to terms with two things.. one? their body. 2? their hair.. I've never liked my hair.. I came to terms with my body when it was at it's fattest.. I've popped out two spawn and my body is what it is.. but this hair.. it curled where I wanted it to be straight... it was straight where I wanted it to curl.. I kept it short because I loathed growing it out.. and when I did grow it out.. it looked greasy and nasty every day. When I wore it short, I got three kinds of hair cuts.. the "Man" the 'Dyke' or the "Old Lady", rarely the cute and sporty cut that I desired

I actually hated dreads on caucasians.. hated them.. until I met a white lady with amazing dreads.. they looked awesome on her.. Then I had a client ( black) with awesome greying dreads.. I loved them.. we discussed them.. I went on line and learned about them.. and I waited.. and continued hating my hair.. one day, shortly after my second marriage and my 40th birthday.. I did it.. I love them.. I also figured that if I was going to love my hair.. I needed to show it the attention that it deserved.. and all that dread work did the trick.. it behaves like I want it to now..chaotic! so on that note...

ok education time people..for those with and those without dreadlocks..

First, for those without Dreads..

1)Most of us WASH our hair.. I wash my hair about twice a week.. and this is, in all honesty, about as often as I washed my hair beFORE I went the nappy route..( if I washed my hair every day it would dry up and break off.. and I don't even want to THINK about how sad my scalp would be...)

2)yes.. there are some stinky ass dread heads.. I loathe them.. and most people who work hard on maintaing their dreads hate them too. Just like there are fundamentalist religious fanatics.. there are fundamentalist Dread Fanatics...

They insist on 'natural' dreads.. ok.. real hair rather than synthetic- I can dig it.. noooo they mean letting it mat naturally.. by means of not washing it.. wearing a wool cap.. putting in natural shit like.. omg you name it.. peanut butter, toothpaste, Dr. Boggs sex wax etc.. they end up with all kinds of shit in their hair, that was once floating around in their environment.. it's disgusting.

3) no people.. we don't have bugs in our hair.. at least no more than YOU do.. the occasional case of lice does happen.. but we're farrrrr more likely to find shirt fuzz, sweater fuzz.. feathers from our pillows etc.. and for us, a case of lice can be far more devastating, because it often requires shaving off our dreads, that we created with much love and effort over the course of many years ( when I first started mine, it required WEEKLY dread maintenance, now maybe a couple of times per year).. you CAN kill lice without shaving your head.. but its noxious and icky..

4) No our hair isn't 'hard'.. it's matted.. and sometimes there is wax in it.. but it's just hair..

5) No, just because we choose this style of hair.. does not mean we don't shave our legs or our pits.. If I could have a full body wax dip every month I would so do it ( that is of course if I could stand the pain! LOL)

6) and this is one of my favorites.. NO.. just because I have dreads, does NOT mean that I am a Rastafarian! LOl at first I thought this was funny.. by the SECOND time.. I just looked at this poor ignoramus ( I happened to be in Las Vegas, not that this implicates a lack of education of other Las Vegas folks btw) with my best "are you reTARDED?" look and replied "no... no I'm not a Rastafarian'.. other questions continued like " are you from Jamaica?".. at this point I was like " Do I LOOK like I'm from Jamaica?".. then he actually asked me.. " why do you have dreads then?'.. to which I responded "because I like them..why do you do YOUR hair that way?" I finally could take no more and excused myself, and not really politely..

People! people all over the world sport the dreads.. Africa, India, Islanders of different nations.. and yes.. caucasians as well.. all over the world... and even some Asians, *who have the hardest hair to dread, sport the nappies..

Now.. for the Dread Heads of the Ignorant variety..

1) Wash your fucking head!! you stink!! you MUST wash your scalp.. that natural oil does NOT help your hair to dread.. it's a natural lubricant that makes your dreads FALL APART!!!

2) Yes .. you WILL find it hard to get a 'straight' job.. we scare the hell out of people and they think we stink.. I am a 44 year old, woman with a long long resume of great gigs.. but I can't get a fucking job.. am I willing to cut my hair? nope.. why? because I love it.. I've worked hard to get it.. I will, instead, work on educating people about a hairstyle that has been around for millennia.

3)don't put weird shit in your hair.. seriously.. food products? they are to be eaten.. so if you put them in your hair.. the rats will find you.. I promise..

4) don't be afraid of dread wax people.. it is inert.. use it.. it will help your dreads tighten up.. but don't forget to COVER YOUR FUCKING HEAD until you've washed it a few times... I see people on pages that I read, who dis the wax.. they will cut off a dread and cut it open and say "SEEE SEEEEEEE!!!! look at all that wax and crap inside the dreadlock! don't use wax".. all I can say is WHAT A FUCKING DUMBASS YOU ARE!! all that SHIT in your dread? that's because you Waxed, then got all kinds of shit in your hair because you didn't wear a hat...and then you DIDN'T WASH IT!!! you STUPID FUCKERS GODDDDamn.. you all are fucking idiots! wash your fucking hair!!! whew.. as I was saying.. dread wax is just paraffin.. it's inert.. but it IS sticky.. it will wash out in 2-3 washings.. they you should wax them up again until they look the way you want them to.. at this point in my dreadlife I wax only a few times per year.. because they are nicely locked and loook goood..

5) Now I can't tell y'all how to lead your life.. but when you walk around with nasty looking dreads.. people think all of us are like you.. nasty. I can't tell you the number of skanky dread people that stop me in the grocery store or on the street, at a concert, in a bar, and hell, even in the fucking MALL, who are 'trying' to dread their hair and ask me how I got mine to look like this.. I tell them one thing.. "people seem to think that dreads are the result of neglect.. that is incorrect.. dreads require a great great deal of maintenance." If you look at any culture that normally wear dreads.. Various African cultures for example.. dreading each other's hair.. daily... is the norm.. some pack with local muds and waxes , some with nothing but rolling. They work on them.. you need to WORK on them. I could give a shit if your clothes are ratty or if you shave your pits.. but when you get too close to the rest of us.. well, we don't enjoy your stench.. so again WASH your hair..

6) a 'tightening' suggestion.. if your dreadies are new and you're trying to tighten them up.. try head and shoulders ( the original kind, with NO conditioner).. especially if you have caucasian hair.. for many of us.. ( I don't know if it's the pyrithione zinc or what) it really tightens up the dread babies! and if you're near the ocean? get that dread head wet! the Salt water will also tighten up the babies!

So what have we discovered here today?

Not all dread heads stink..

Please don't put food in your hair

Those of you that DO STINK? WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR

We've also learned that Jana loathes people who don't wash their fucking hair..

We don't want the non dreaded to fear us.. for we tend to be peaceful, if not stoned or just plain retarded..

So go forth and love your nappy headed friends.. but remind them to wash their fucking hair..

Well aren't you Special...

I have a peeve... I know that is simply inconceivable, but I do.. lol.. today my peeve is with Moms and Dads of and Special needs kids.. go ahead and throw some rotten fruit and stones, and then let me continue..

I will start by clarifying. I have been blessed with healthy, and highly intelligent, artistic and phenomenally beautiful children. Am I biased? maybe on that last parts.. the former two, nope.. it's documented, both were offered accelerated classes, one opted to be part of the accelerated classes the other did not.. that's cool.. Neither had so much as an ER Visit throughout Elementary school, jr. high or high school.. Sports physicals, and having a tooth filled is probably the closest to a physical issue as they ever had.. Artistic might be subjective... but they've both won acclaim ( on the school level of course) for their artistic ability.. and Beautiful.. again subjective.. but when a talent scout walks up to your daughter on her 14th birthday and wants her to come model for them... I think it's fair to say that she's gorgeous.. both children were blessed with height, and equilateral and appealing features..

So yeah.. I'm a lucky lucky bitch. They might have struggled with Laziness ( that would be "Thing one", the BOY) that accounted for some dismal grades, but the intelligence factor has been there since birth.. He had hi IQ tested in Kindergarten.. ( while not an accurate assumption of what it will be as an adult, it does predicate a similar outcome) which had him at a genius level ( his first grade teacher called him "Mr. Encyclopedia" and said that she learned about black holes from HIM).. so yeah.. really really lucky..

I thank the Gods that I was so blessed.. because as a single parent, I went into pure panic mode when a kid told me "my tooth hurts".. as I never worked a job that carried insurance, and the doctors and dentists who accepted the State funded insurance, knew they were being underpaid for their services and did a shitty job ( I still have terrible fillings that fucked up my jaw's alignment).

Thing 1 had some anxiety issues and some ADHD type behavior in school.. which oddly worked itself out with some full body/visceral facial unwinding ( the teacher actually came to my door to ask me if I put him on medication).. Both went through some teenage angst that made us miserable as well.. but in the end.. I consider myself lucky. My kids were healthy and normal..

On to my peeves..

I HATE.. absolutely HATE when parents with special needs kids say two things: 1) I want my child to have all the same opportunities as kids without special needs.. I want them to go to public school and I want them to do all the same stuff that all the other kids do, without discrimination of any kind.. well ok.. that sounds like a reasonable request.. we all want our kids to feel normal and included.. which, they ( hopefully ) Would be, as part of any classroom situation, if their behavior didn't stand out.

2).. arraggggh Parents of said special needs kids, being active and caring parents say 2) My child is special.. he/she has special needs.. he ( I will use the generic He from now on.. get over it) can't be graded the same way that other kids are when he has fine motor skills problems.. or he must have a ( or 2 or 3) paraprofessional with him during lunch, or math, or reading or art or what ever class might trigger an Aspbergers meltdown. He can't participate in gym because he wares a brace on his leg.. but do let him play at recess with everybody else! WTF?

Now.. that being said.. another disclaimer. I have friends with special needs kids, siblings, and partners. I do, of course, respect that these are truly WHOLE people.. they have MUCH to contribute to society, and they are productive and beautiful.

What I don't appreciate is that attitude from parents that, my kids are special, so don't put them into any situation that might embarrass them, or make them work on their behavior, or have any expectations of my child... yet they are Normal.. and I expect them to be treated as an average child..

Ok fine.. the average child often has difficulties expressing himself, but is reprimanded for his behavior if it is considered inappropriate.. the average child often has troubles with certain subjects, like MATH, but is not allowed a special room with his own tutor and a calculator during tests! .. the average child also has bad days.. they average child is often not athletically inclined, yet forced to humiliate himself on the field, often to the delight of the bullies.

I think that kid with the braces on his legs, is , oddly, much more likely to be encouraged, because his disability is obvious.. clumsy isn't obvious, it's just humiliating..

The "Average" Child is forced to deal with the inequities of life.. in fairness, yes, the SN kids might face MORE of these inequities.. but remember, YOU wanted them to be treated like any average kid right?

So what you really want is for them to be treated like everyone else, exCEPT when your kid somehow CAN'T do something.. you want SPECIAL treatment for him in THOSE CASES.

This brings me to the obvious dilemma .. what to do with these kids.. as a parent we want them to learn as much as they can, from the most talented and caring teachers.. we want them to excel.. it's as simple as that.. we don't want them hurt, because we love them.. wellllll, newsflash folks.. we ALL want that for our kids. We just do.. soooo.. what is OUR responsibility as parents to our kids? ALL our kids? To be quite frank, if my kid has Special Needs to learn.. of course I want those needs considered by his teacher.. is that teacher the one ( and I do mean ONE- usually) Special Ed teacher at the public school? Hell I remember not even KNOWING some of my classmates because they spent their days in the Special Ed room...they never left.. and yes, now I realize that all the paraprofessionals etc.. are what ALLOWS the kids to be part of a regular classroom.. but NOW, my kids, the ones without special needs? those kids? now have OTHER needs.. they are bored, because class is moving so slowly because of the special needs kids. They can't learn to THEIR potential, because we are allowing some SELECT students to learn to THEIR potential.. you see the dilemma... sso what is the solution? seriously?..

I loathe the term "Special School".. because when I was a kid, that meant " You are a RETARD and can't go to our school".. well just as times have changed and kids aren't sequestered into one room anymore, Very Truly SPECIAL schools exist for kids with learning, or physical disabilities ( which I think, actually are very well addressed in some public schools and don't really require a 'special' school btw).. but for your students that have a hard time keeping up, or just slow the rest of the class down, these wonderful places work on a more individualized level with your SN kids... they ARE the professionals as well as the paraprofessionals.. they are surrounded by other kids, that might have issues too.. they aren't in ONE Room.. they are SCHOOLs that specialize in HELPING YOUR CHILDREN ACHIEVE! I don't see a problem with this.. in fact kids THRIVE ( anyone watch Parenthood? one recent episode was about Max, an Aspbergers kid leaving a school that he LOVED and THRIVED in, which catered to SN kids, and his parents struggle with the decision to mainstream him.. very good episode btw) In these schools.. Do they thrive in public school? Do they? they are known as the kid who always gets help... he looks normal on the outside right? why does HE get help? that is what our kids are thinking... they get upset by this, and resentful, then the whole bullying shit comes into play.. and OUR kids AREN'T the SN kids, so their bad behavior isn't coming from an OBVIOUS disability so they get Punishment for their bad behavior instead of help.

This infuriates me. You have to take care of your kid.. yet doing the best for YOUR kid, often undermines ME doing the best for MY kid.. Should IIIII be the one who has to pay for Private school for MY kid? Well It's my right and prerogative as a parent to do so...

Now again, in fairness.. Most parents decide to have their babies, and hope for all the same things, healthy, in body and mind and ability. If we knew that our children were going to face some sometimes DRAMATIC issues, would we still have them? snark away people go ahead.. but the reality is, that when we DO find out our kids have these sometimes Dramatic special needs.. ( often not so dramatic but definitely troublesome), it's too late to save them from the lifetime of extra hard work.. So they face it.. with their parents.. and Parenting isn't an easy gig if your kid is 'normal'...

Everyday decisions are hard for parents of sn kids.. I don't envy them.. but I do admire them. The truly DO become better parents than the rest of us in most cases.. but my peeve remains... why is ok for your kid to have special treatment, in a social/educational situation, yet you want him to be normalized too?.. you want your cake and to eat it too.. and often at the expense of others.

So what do I want? I want you to know your kid...I want you, and the professionals that work with your kid to truly assess his needs.. NOW.. I wan't you to think about other people's children.. after all, isn't that what you are asking of US? Think of their needs as well.. is your kids needs, complete with an entourage of paraprofessionals, stifling and hindering the needs of the other students? or is a classroom that is filled with others like him, moving at an appropriate pace, and trained teachers to work with and through disruption, a better option? seriously..

you want the best for your kids.. so do we. Is it fair that I should suggest sending your kid to a school that will cost you thousands of dollars a year in tuition? HELL NO? but how would that be fair for ME either? I'm just sayin..

I wish the world were a more fair place.. I do.. but I think that today's parents of SN kids expect a lot.. I think if they expect a lot, then that child needs to be in a nurturing environment with the proper teachers. We have a hard enough time with our public schools.. and for various reasons.. my daughter complained of boredom in her high school classes because the classes were running so slowly because for a great majority of the students, English wasn't their first language.. Yeah it's so cool that her school was named "the most diverse school in the Nation".. I like that.. that's INclusive.. how cool.. except that the other kids were in a holding pattern waiting for the non English speakers to catch up..

So yeah.. my peeve exists. I wish those "concerned" parents would stop pampering their kids.. we all want the cake..we want our kids to be perfect and accepted and to have opportunity.. but where is the opportunity in this situation? pressure on schools and politicians, claiming exclusion is the squeaky wheel.. We HAVE no squeaky wheel, our "normal" kids are now at the mercy of your "SN" kids..does this level the playing field in ANY WAY for EITHER of our children? I don't think so..

The Royal Hoopla.. an American Girl's Perspective

Ahhh the Royal Wedding Day.. Twitter and Facebook has been flooded with opinions... and you know what they say about opinions.. they are like assholes.. and even assholes have one! I, of course am an asshole.. and OF COURSE I HAVE ONE!! and here on MY blog.. I always get to be right..lol.

So.. There are of course the Anti- Wedding, The Anti-English, the Anti-Hoopla people.. who complain a lot.. after saying that none of this is worth our attention!.. sure seems like a huge waste of their all important energy, for something that isn't important! Right? lol

I will say this.. Yes.. The English have been our enemies.. yes they have been our oppressors in history.. they have in one way or another dominated, or domineered many different countries, and their people. Yep.. their monarchy is very simply a figurehead, providing nothing but a grotesque misuse of England's $$.

So Why is it that we care? People say that we shouldn't.. after all it's not OUR country right? they aren't OUR Royalty right? so Why DO we care? Why DO we have Royal Wedding Parties? We go out of our way and get up at 4 a.m. to watch all the pomp and circumstance. why?

Well I can tell you Why a lot of us DO care.

First .. the female perspective..

As an American Girl.. we don't often have the opportunity to become a Princess.. and Damn it.. Walt Disney Promised us that one day our Prince would come.. if we were good girls, virtuous and kind and did everything right.. our Prince would come. So we were good girls.. and we kissed a hell of a lot of FROGS.. on the long road to Royalty.. an a very rare few of us have ever made it .

As a girl.. the Handsome Prince was supposed to come and take us away from all of this.... this what? this mundane, non Royal life? I guess.

So we waited.. and we watched England and other countries that have a Monarchy. Occasionally someone got married.. for me and others of my age group, that was, of course the Marriage of Prince Charles, to Lady Diana Spencer.

The "Outsider looking in" perspective:

So We know now, that this was, most certainly an 'arranged' marriage.. Prince Charles was in love with Camilla Parker.. who was just about to marry another man.. She was not appropriate for Royalty..said the queen. She was older.. she was not a virgin.. not appropriate.. so the royal "matchmaker" found the lovely lady Di.. her father was a lord, and therefore Royal.. but still very nearly a commoner... But they married, and all the rest is history.. they didn't get along. He knew his place ( he was a stuffy mofo) .. she felt it her duty, having the clout, to HELP people.. she took the SERVICE part of her role very seriously.. for Di it wasn't just about making an appearance for the cameras.. she actively participated... she walked the landmine filled fields, and helped dig wells so others could have fresh water. She was a GOOD Samaritan, and In my opinion, the best thing that could have ever happened to the monarchy.

She despised the intrusion into her life, but chose to be gracious, and when her sons were born, she gave everyone a glimpse, and helped them to understand their position.. she also taught them to be good people and to take their service to others seriously. She created a life for them that was as 'normal' as it could be.

She did good.. and she left too soon..

Along came Fergie.. she's bawdy.. and had a very 'Fuck you' attitude that I could wrap my head around. Di and Fergie changed the way things worked in the monarchy.. Divorce? HELL NO... they both said " oh HELL YEAH".. and paved the way for their children to lead, while still a ROYAL lifestyle, a chance for them to proceed with their lives, in a way that they weren't allowed to.

So this prince.. he Married a COMMONER.. a COMMONER!!! this is crazy! This young man was allowed to marry the person that he LOVED.. His father wasn't.. His mother wasn't.. and they were both miserable. Charles finally married Camilla... I kind of feel bad that her title is "Royal Consort"... but I love that the Queen is realizing that her monarchy , has changed, and that allowing her grandsons, and granddaughters to marry who they WANT to marry, will keep the 'bad press' to a minimum.

So it was nice to see the future king of England to marry the girl that he loves.. and that Commoner to marry her PRINCE.

So Why do we care? Well.. I love that a person, who historically, wouldn't have been allowed to be happy.. get's to marry the girl he loves.. I love that his mother would have fought for him to have this privilege, and his father did in her stead. I care also because.. like many Americans This History is partly MY history.. a lot of people have gotten off the boats onto American Soil. from all over the world.. But many were English.

On my fathers side, I am only a second Generation American.. he was Hungarian and he and his younger sister, my aunt Helen were the only ones actually born in the US.

On my mother's side.. well that's different... Her mother was German.. her Father? was a Partington.. yep English as it comes.. Coat of Arms and everything His father? they called him Pappy.. and his father was English and his mother was an Irish Ginger, as he turned out to be ( oh the stories of Pappy's red hair and beard!) .. so yeah.. Many Americans have British Blood, delivered down from as far back as the beginning of our American invasion!

So I might remind some of my friends who are Anti English, as they are Very much Irish and resent the Country that has created so much anger and violence toward theirs.. that WE AMERICANs, and THIS generation of Royals , are about as responsible for all that as we were for the American Revolution.. that was not us.. it was a different time.. and it's time to come together people. Hell in MY Generation, it's been the Irish fighting other Irish.. like THAT makes sense either! lol

So yeah maybe we are still somewhat in touch with our roots.. Maybe we just like to look at the pretty dresses.. and admire the Dashing young Princes ( who were as Dashing as Dashing gets!!- and yes I like to say Dashing..) and maybe we like to make fun of the silly hats ( Beatrice REALLY? WTF?).. and make fun of fucking Bitchy Beckham and her ugly millinery ( why does that horrible woman always look like she's just been fed a wasp?).. oh and how about that ugly fucking KID? seriously.. I know the children are included because they are the youngest members of the distant royal family , but sweet Jesus, that one kid had the hugest head I've ever seen.. and I swear she was just a zombie, and beautiful Pippa just held her hand to keep her from eating the brains out of all the guests.. gahhhh! What a train wreck that kid.. wasn't there a PRETTIER cousin? seriously? yikes.. I had a hard time Enjoying Pretty Pippa in her lovely shape hugging gown because my focus was consistently drawn to that GOBLIN to her right.. yikes..

ok enough dissing the poor ugly child.. she can't help it after all.. all that Royal inbreeding and such. right? lol

So In the end.. YES I loved the dress.. I thought it was just "meringue" enough and just fitted enough and just enough lace ( I fucking hate lace).. I did love her flowers.. love that she didn't have the 80's style 29 pound bouquet.. I loved that all the flowers had meaning.. I love that one of the flowers was a Sweet William..

I found that I disagreed with all of the fags ( Except Rupert ) who didn't like the dress Carole Middleton was wearing.. I thought it lovely.. I even Liked Camilla's dress ( do you really want to see her in anything too tight? I think not) and I actually LOVED her hat .

I love the pomp and circumstance.. Why? who knows! maybe because we DON'T do that here... I love the Amazing Cathedral.. I just do.. I'm a sucker for a Gothic Arch.. and I love that they had trees inside it ..

Americans like to go Big or Go HOME and we LOVE THAT SHIT.. it is, oddly enough the same reason we go watch ridiculously giant trucks run over shit.. and ridiculously loud Bands that ruin our hearing.. because its BIG! We tend to like big..

So, in closing.. we American Girls and most of the Girls around the world, who've dreamed of marrying JUST like lovely Miss Middleton did today, often do find a prince.. he's often not rich.. but he loves us Royally. Our dreams of giant cathedrals evolve into our family church, or a favorite beach.., a dear friend's living room or in my case.. my favorite park.. We will still be surrounded by friends and family, and we will still feel like Queen for a Day..

We watch.. we will always watch..hell if they just televised joe Schmoe's wedding every day.. I would watch.. they should have a Wedding Channel.. I would watch. Because, While some will compare Charles Marriage to Diana a sham.. and that it was like leading an innocent lamb into slaughter.. for her son.. it was about Love.. and I love that..

Because for most of us, it's about that sweet and wonderful emotion.. we long to share OUR love with the world, they just GET to. so good on 'em

I will always watch...

full of WAHHHH

It's dark outside..

It's fucking Springtime.. where the hell is my sunshine?

granted this is an unusually cold spring for Seattle.. we usually have sun before now.. This must be Seasonal Affective Disorder or something..I just DREAD looking out the window, because I know it's going to be gray and gloomy.. They tell me it's supposed to be Sunny and in the mid 60's by this afternoon... I wish that the sky would get a move on..

Even on a sunny day our apartment doesn't get sunny..I think from now on, I'm not going to live in a place that doesn't have many many windows and a southern exposure.. seriously.. I'm popping a vit d and a B12 every day and they might as well be sugar pills. bah

can't find a job, but unwilling to change anything about myself to do so.

I hate feeling depressed. People say " oh you should get outside anyway and get some exercise".. duh.. I'm a health Ed grad people.. I know what I SHOULD be doing.. but recently, I sure have had to admit to myself that my very long, and very bad post partum depressions, were not just singular episodes.. admitting mental illness is humiliating. I've been you. I've given the same advice. Being on the other side is much different though. It seems that even the tiniest factors of my life need to be 'just so' for me to feel happy. Why shouldn't I be happy right now right? I have a cute, albeit dark, place, I have a husband that adores me and is kind to me. My son moved back in so I get to see him regularly. I get to be part of people's lives on FB if not in person..

What would make me happy? I haven't HAD to work, and I've been able to pick and choose jobs that I actually WANT to apply for.. If only someone would even CALL me on one would be nice.

I have all kinds of things I want.. a dog.. a cello.. unlimited ebooks, ..sunshine.. but at this point I wonder if having ANY of those things would make me happy. I seriously wonder.

I usually snap right back out of these little depressions.. I usually am worse with my cycle and could blame it on that. Lately my depression cycle has shortened to the point that it never really goes away. scary

I try to keep my sense of humor.. it's always been a part of my personality that I've liked, but even that is waning lately.

I love my few friends for going out of their way to come and see me.. it makes me feel loved for sure.. but oddly doesn't make me love MYSELF more.

yes I should give of myself and volunteer.. I want to.. but I don't want to.. I know it would help, but I seriously lack any motivation to do so. Seems I lack any motivation to do anything except complain.. and I fucking hate that.

I miss feeling helpful.. my kids are grown and I don't massage anymore.. both of which helped people, but again, I lack any motivation to something like volunteer..

I'm a college educated female.. I know a lot of shit about a lot of shit.. but I can't get a job making smoothies. I was able to look at a skeleton with no outwardly visible signs of trauma and tell you how he died.. Oh and that he was a he .. lol.. but I can't get a job selling dog collars, let alone break the nepotistic barrier that is the hr dept at the Health dept.

It is incredibly frustrating to watch any kind of dream or fantasy just disappear..because I don't have the funds, and I have no way of acquiring the funds..

It gets hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel is blocked by train after train after train.

I'm exhausted of the pain and the boredom. I feel very stuck. This horse is struggling at the bit to get free... but free to what? to where? adventure? or simply change of scenery? I need something.. but what? drugs? maybe.. but that would require health insurance.. another thing I don't have. I don't have.. I don't have.. yet I have so much.. why can't I look at what I DO have? and what if I WAS to HAVE whatever it is that I think I NEED? would I just NEED something else? I do know that I don't like being older... I don't like what my body does without regular chiropractic care for sure..but again, no $$ or insurance to fix that. I don't like how I feel. In fact I hate it.

5 hours of sleep and waking with pain doesn't help either.. I lay down yesterday afternoon, but couldn't sleep long because my shoulder was screaming.. I lay down later, in the early evening and finally found a comfortable spot and slept.. only to be wakened by the husbear because a show that I wanted to watch was on. .. but I had yet to cook dinner. hmmmm I was angry.. yeah I wanted to watch the show.. I did.. but man oh man did I not want to cook! but I did.. and missed 1/3 of the show anyway.

Mundane household shit drives me batty.. people that know me know that I would rather eat out than cook.. I would live in a hotel if I could. No seriously.. Eat out every meal and not do dishes or make beds!? sounds like heaven to me! I hate it .. I seriously hate it. but I also hate having piles of dishes in my sink.. I hate that I finally have a dishwasher and it SUCKS. I hate a dirty house and yet I hate to clean it. define irony.

Can't stand being asleep, yet can't stand being awake.. limbo sucks.. sure hope the husbear has that gun hidden well.. no don't panic people.. I am only kidding.. sort of.

Shineeyyy Happpy People.....

I'm snide.. I'm snarky.. I hate certain types of people.. one of which is the group that I call the " ShinY Happy People.. I hate that fucking song.. and I hate those fucking people..

Now I'm certain that they have their share of strife in their lives.. I'm positive.. but because they choose not to bring others down, they will post something like " Tomorrow will be a better day, but I'm still BLESSED".. oy.. that's nice.. I guess.. do I care? No.. WHY don't I care? because you didn't tell me WHY you had a not so perfect day... if you DID I could commiserate.. but when you DON'T.. all we hear is how HAPPY you are.. and how PERFECT your life is.. that makes you.... well.. PERFECT and we fucking hate you..

We hate how motivated you are.. you get up and eat the perfect whole grain and fruit breakfast and then go and work out and admit to LOVING IT!! newsflash.. the rest of the world fucking HATES it most of the time.. we do it because we HAVE to...

Then you have this entire group of wonderful friends who you go to some wonderful place for lunch and I'm sure you eat a salad with tofu and SAY you enjoy it.. and I'm sure you talk about how wonderful your life is . I'm also betting that, even if YOU don't, the rest of those women go home and talk themselves out of committing Helter Skelter at the very least, and Hari Kari at the most.. because I can bet those shiny happy women are, in reality, hating SOMETHING about their lives..

Are they going home and vomiting? because they need to fit into the facade? Do their husbands come home and beat the shit out of them? does one of their PERFECT children cut themselves in private? probably.. its all fucking fake and I get sick of hearing it

The reality is that our lives suck.. as Gnostics we believe that THIS, this place you are currently living, is Hell.. IS HELL.. it's where we learn our lessons, imparting our experience to the godhead.. Everyone's life is difficult..

I guarantee that all those exercise induced endorphins are making you see things so rosily.. I'm betting your husband or partner ,that is going to work his or her ass off so that you can lead your happy go shopping life, is probably miserable.. I'm thinking he wishes you'd rather lay in bed and make love in the morning, instead of getting up to run 10 miles.. I'm betting he'd rather eat a big fucking steak, instead of tofu almondine.. I'm thinking he wishes his credit card balances were lower..

As for the rest of us.. We eat too much.. we don't exercise much.. because we hate it.. we fuck instead of jogging, we meet our friends After WORK, and often have one too many.. and often we have troubles.. getting pregnant, NOT getting pregnant.. paying the bills.. Not taking that one last drink.. not doing a drug that makes us forget that we aren't getting pregnant , or that we can't pay that bill..

We all have those flaws.. and we take pleasure in being there for our friends.. sending our support when one goes in for brain surgery.. or has a scare after that last mammogram.. or when our kids struggle to lose weight or are struggling with our divorce. We enjoy the self disclosure of our friends.. that is what makes us friends.. We don't enjoy hearing about all the shit that you have or do that is BETTER or EASIER than the stuff WE do.. We like to commiserate .. but then we also like to applaud a friend that has had decades of trouble and loss, when her idea becomes a reality, setting her up for a secure retirement..

I don't find these shiny happy people encouraging.. I don't find them inspiring, I don't feel happy for the ease of their lives and their apparent successes.. I find them loathsome..and phony. am I just jealous? hell yeah I am.. I want to be a shiny happy, lady who lunches.. instead I can't get a job, because I actually like my dreadlocks.. sorry.. I live in a cave and I swear I'm losing my sight and starting to adapt using sonar like a bat. I have few friends and they all live far away. I completely lack motivation to change any of that.. and don't tell me to fucking exercise..

Come on.. what's your flaw? what is it, you shiny happy person you? what is it.. inquiring minds want to know. If you don't start sharing, I'm going to fly over there with my shiny, newly adapted bat wings.. and bite your tight and spandex covered ASS..